You might be wondering, where the hell did I go, why haven’t I opened commisisons yet and so on.
Here’s my spring activities:
1-My random vk.com friend posted a picture of her friend and herself (let’s call her M) at my favourite bar, I randomly asked if I could join, she randomly sad yes, I randomly joined. And my most weird, fast and beautiful friendship began.
8-We (M and I) met again. She suggested that we’d go for a drink at 1 pm, so I had to call a taxi. For the first time in my life I did. I’m really afraid of taxies and calling and going out in the middle of the night, but I did. No further doubts that we were soulmates left. For the first time in my life I felt so close to someone after a few days and everything just seemed right.
11-Aaand we met again. Same place, same drinks.
12-After the bar’s closed, we went to her place. Drank more. Watched some amazing movies she (for some mysterious reason) hasn’t seen before. In the morning I went to my friend’s BD where I got bored to death (3 married couples and ME, yay), so I left early and made a mistake. I went to a public bathroom (it was in McDonald’s, ugh) to harm myself. And for the first time I used a razor. Shouldn’t have. I almost killed myself o_o When I realised I was losing consciousness, I thought: “Nope, I can’t afford dying while listening to Morrissey”, and I didn’t. I managed to reach the exit (I never bumped in anyone, but I did accidentally hit someone just near the doors and excused! I was white as a sheet, had tinnitus (le wild one) and couldn’t really feel my legs and my body, but I said “sorry”). I was very afraid that police or something would’ve stopped me, because they would send me to a hospital and they would probably send me to a very unhappy place. I didn’t want to go there. But, fortunately, I felt better because of fresh air and I managed to get home. I was really, really afraid, I really blamed myself for my stupidity. I could’ve died there. I REALLY WAS AFRAID. Fortunatelty, I’m smart enough to google “how to stop blood” before harming myself :D
20-I spent my 21st birthday with my friend in a bar. He wasn’t even a close friend. He was kind of… My-level-of-mental-unstability-friend.
22-I tried to celebrate my BD with a bunch of friends, it was awkward and lame, and ended up that I tried to disappear with 5 men I didn’t know. My friends didn’t let me. I’m still not thankful, because I knew something awful could happen, and I wanted it happen.
25-M had a bad time after having used drugs, I wanted to help her, but unknowingly (is this a word?) tried to help her get another dose. But I didn’t, because cirumstances. I finally admitted that I’m depressed. Badly. For a long time.
29-We met again (yeah, same place), talked about our problems. She told me about her problems in university, life, physical health, mental health. And so did I. I also told her that I finally told my mom that I: 1). Had to quit university, because I feel really bad about everyting, and I couldn’t beat depresion with all this pressure, though I tried. 2). I had 2 tatoos (moarrr) because I had to do something positive with myself. 3). I really had to visit a psychologist. But hadn’t have.
Mom convinced that I could’ve dealt with it by myself. I believed, because M really was helping me. She was like a smarter reflection of me :D
1-She decided that she should be put in a hospital. Because of reasons. But nope.
2-That one time I refused to meet her. I really did have reasons… But ugh. I don’t regret it, but…
12-My Golden Mile. I kind of conquered it. M didn’t.
17-The longest night in my life. M was on drugs, I was trying to keep her, kinda, alive. And I succeeded. It was exhausting, but she was the closest person to me at the time. “You’re not right in the head and nore am I, and this is why I like you”,
27-We visited Stanley Kubrick’s retrospective. Kind of. Just “Doctor Strangelove or how I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb” and “A clockwork orange”. I wasn’t going to, she asked me to go. And it was great. Jan Harlan held the door for me. I’m grateful.
29-She was trying to get some attention in her local Mental Hoslital, but they asked if she was hearing voices, and didn’t belive her when she said no. And so we went to see “Cavalry” and it was amazing.
30-We went to “Only lovers left alive” and it was honestly boring. I love all the actors who participated in the thing, but it was kind of boring.
1-We started a vk.com public page “Misunderstood Morrissey”.
5-We met to celebrate Ian McCulloch’s BD (later I found out he was more of an arsehole then Morrissey (but she never knew)) and to talk about stuff. Talked about how we were going to celebrate Morrissey’s BD in “MM”.
6-We went to her place, watched “7 psychopaths” and, just before I left, Morrissey’s “Nobember spawned a monster”, which became our classic in 2 months.
8. M died of heart failure.
9. I saw M’s funerals in my dream.
10. I was told about M’s death by her mom. For a few days I was just… Difficulult to talk to.
15-A very sad Andrew Eldritch’s BD we were going to celebrate together.
16-She was cremated. There was a “goodye” ceremony before it. We were just standing by her coffin in cilence for an hour, it was boring and awkard. But I was the first to get there, and I saw her in the coffin alone in a large cold room. It was weird. And I didn’t recognize her at first without glasses. And also I touched her forehead. It was cold. Like really cold. I didn’t cry, but I naturally fled just as it was over.
1 9-Joey Ramone’s BD. She always looked like him. It was weird.
22-A very unhappy Morrissey’s BD.
25-I met one of her friends. I’m not sure if she liked it. I hope she did.
27-I wanted to visit a psychotherapist, but I suddenly had a panic attack and couldn’t get out of the flat. So I had to deal with depression and anxciety, yay.
I just have to get there. I was never afraid to get help. Until now.
Soooo, I’m sorry if you’re waiting for a thingie from me. I’m not looking for excuses. I may seem like a person who is always having depressions and shit, but now It is too serious. Too. Serious. So, please, wait.